"Un-Murder Worthy": Josh Writes a Scene from Curb Your Enthusiasm

 

I actually dreamed this Curb Your Enthusiasm completely and had to write it down. It's disturbing that I'm actually dreaming about Larry David but that's what watching 8 straight seasons of Curb in a row will do to you.

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LARRY sits behind an annoying woman in a theatre who keeps moving her head the wrong way, making him miss the performance.

LARRY (Agitated)

Will you move your god damned head?

WOMAN (appalled)

Are you taking to me?

LARRY (More Agitated)

Yes I'm talking to you. Duck your fucking head!

 

WOMAN (turns to look at LARRY and wildly gestures for the USHER to come over)

 

WOMAN to USHER

This man is threatening to murder me!

 

LARRY is grossly offended that the potency of his anger has been so outrageously misread on his anger scale

 

LARRY to WOMAN

You think you're murder worthy? (wags his finger in her face). You're not murder worthy!

WOMAN to LARRY 

I'm murder worthy! I'm special.

LARRY to WOMAN

Yeah, you're special. You're fucking brain dead, you know that? And let me tell you something. If you were in the middle of the road and I was going 90 miles an hour, I would swerve into a car of puppies and nuns before I'd run you over. That's how un-murder worthy you are!

 

LARRY, cont. (now resolute with a finger in the air) to WOMAN

In fact, I would murder myself before I would murder you. That is how insignificant you are to me...and to the world I might add.

 

WOMAN (now insane, snatching at LARRY's bald head)

YOU WILL MURDER ME!

 

The show stops, the ushers move in and escort both LARRY and the WOMAN from the theatre.

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